Be social

Reflecting on 2024, our columnist highlights the importance of making time for others – especially as leaders – and giving them the opportunity to share their stories.

Throughout 2024, I was privileged and fortunate enough to visit numerous countries across the world for both business and pleasure. During this time, I met many interesting people, mingled with many different nationalities, and experienced so many cultures.

During my travels, not only did I engage with many people in their private lives, but also over 500 senior leaders in learning sessions related to Social Psychology of Risk. The social aspect of this is key: how often do I have that “simple cup of coffee” with someone else; how often do I give of my time to others. This doesn’t have to be coffee – it could be sitting around a fireplace, on a wall overlooking the ocean, in a meeting room, or in a private home enjoying a cup of tea and companionship during discussion.

Amongst others, I met an Aboriginal lady in Australia, to whom we gifted the name “Medicine Lady with Knowledge” seated around her fire; I met a lady in a church in Malta, whose mother survived a bombing there during the World War II; I met with Joe, an Indigenous Elder, over a cup of tea in Alberta, Canada; and spoke with a religious leader at a Hindu Temple in Canberra. I even had a nice discussion with a traffic officer who had stopped one of our taxi drivers to check his licence and vehicle papers, as well as fine him for not stopping fully at an intersection. He was a friendly person and we had a nice chat, during which he informed me that he enjoys people, but has his job to do in ensuring the laws of the road are adhered to. He mentioned that he had issued a number of penalties to drivers for the same violation prior to us being stopped. 

As 2024 drew to a close, I set off on my last business trip of the year to Tanger, Morocco, where we would conduct training in Social Psychology of Risk for our senior leaders in our Moroccan and Ivory Coast operations. It had been a busy year, with many trips being conducted at a fast pace back and forth between airports, hotels, and operations. So, I decided to take two days to visit the country. Planning where to visit has always included one of my favourite pastimes: spending time on semiotic walks to experience the culture and observe the signs, symbols, and artifacts that are significant to the people of the country – and, most importantly, spending time in discussion with others, allowing them the time to tell their story.

In the Blue City, where most buildings are painted a dark blue, we had lunch on a roof overlooking the main square of an old medina, watching the people moving around, shaking hands, and hugging as they greeted each other. Then, as the afternoon prayers rang out, many men left what they were doing, closing their little shops and walking to the Mosque on the square, to partake in the prayers.

Coming from Western Europe, it is always so interesting to observe the culture of the locals – here, dedicating time to their God, selling their products in the hustle and bustle of the medina, children playing football with a tennis ball amongst the pedestrians, and then the air – filled with the semiotics of the spices, soaps, perfumes, and food: social beings at their finest. 

On the second day we visited the Hercules Cave, which itself has years of history and an abundance of semiotics. Our driver, Hassan, introduced us to a local man named Mohammed. Dressed in his traditional robe, called a djellaba or jillaba, fitted with a hoodie, and wearing a hat, he took us into the cave. Well, what a nice man – filled with humour, connecting with us immediately with his charming way of talking. He showed us the cave entrance – shaped in a mirror image of the continent of Africa – overlooking the sea, and took us to some hidden parts of the cave where there were no tourists.

As we exited the cave, I tipped Mohammed, after which he left. We sat on the wall watching the fishermen on the rocks below, catching fish from the chilly Atlantic Ocean. Ten minutes later, we heard Mohammed’s voice as he returned with a gift for us from his souvenir shop. He then sat on the wall with us and started telling us about the history of his grandfather and father, who had both worked in the cave, earning a living carving out millstones and making sculptures from the limestone rock. He then invited us for lunch at his nearby home.

At first, we politely declined, but he insisted that we at least join him for a cup of traditional Moroccan mint tea. We agreed and set off for his modest home, where we sat under some vines discussing his family and his love for the area. As we were leaving, he gave me a kiss on my cheek and thanked us for our time; we thanked him in turn, as we had learnt so much about him and his culture. 

Do we as leaders find the time for that “simple cup of coffee” (or in Mohammed’s case, tea)?

Together with my wife, Aneta, I recently published a book titled Real Meeting, with the sub-title: “Leadership is time and a simple cup of coffee.” We felt that at times, as leaders, we miss the opportunity to truly meet with others in conversation – and in what the Greeks call Kairos time. Our lives, both at work and in private, are often at full pace, engulfed by the rat race in which we find ourselves, stuck in Chronos time. We tend to underestimate the importance of engaging in a true meeting with others: where we are in the moment, not dictated by the watch on our wrist or the clock on our computer screen. 

We are social beings, with our heuristics based on meeting with others, making connections, and simply being social. Sadly, however, this seldom happens on a daily basis in today’s world. We run from meeting to meeting, appointment to appointment, and at times sit in long meetings where we simply do not meet with anyone in the true sense of the word. When we meet, we are directed by formal agendas and time slots. The time slots often dictate how much time is given to a certain topic and, when nearing the scheduled end time of each discussion, the chairperson speeds up the conversation, prematurely ending that discussion.

I am by no means saying that our business lives should not be filled with these types of formal meetings. However, at times what we need to do as leaders is stand up from behind our desks and get out onto the shop floor. This is where the employees are, and where we can have some real meetings with them – where time is given to others and where we as leaders are in the moment, suspending our agenda and power. In doing so, we listen to others telling their stories, giving their ideas and inputs and thus following my belief: “Leadership is time and a simple cup of coffee”.

Respect and kindness don’t mean no consequences

On a couple of occasions, I have been asked – and even challenged – by leaders and others in the safety and health industry about what is, in their view, the contradiction of being friendly to others and being strict in compliance with the rules. For me, there is no contradiction or dialectic in the two. In safety and health management, we require people to follow the rules and, if they consciously decide to disregard them, then consequence management does apply.

It definitely does not mean that if we need to ensure compliance with the rules, this means treating people in an unfriendly manner, in contradiction to developing the desired culture. We can apply disciplinary action without disrespecting or bullying the person. It is possible to allow the employee to tell their story, then explain the rule violation to them (as well as the need for consequence management) in a friendly manner. Believing that being caring means that there is no place for consequence management could not be further from the truth.

On one occasion, I requested that a leader consider consequence management for an incident where an employee grossly violated a key rule, causing injury to another person. The manager responded that blame does not make a difference and there should be no consequence management for rule violations. This, too, could not be further from the truth, or no country would have a legal system that applies consequences for violating the rules of society.

The traffic officer who stopped our driver to check his licence and paperwork was a good example: he issued the penalty to our driver, while being friendly and respectful the whole time.

Reflection

Reflecting on a year that has passed in the blink of an eye, the many social interactions I have had – from the fire of the “Medicine Lady with Knowledge” to sitting on the wall with my friend Mohammed – have been fantastic as well as inspiring. All the sessions in real meeting with others, listening to their stories, learning about them, their cultures and things that are of significance to them, have had such an impact on me that I have included them in the chapters of our new book Real Meeting. 

When considering what has happened in the world over the past two years – especially in Ukraine, Gaza, and Lebanon, where people are being displaced and losing loved ones, their pets, and their worldly possessions – we are seeing various nationalities becoming intolerant of and anti-social with each other.

For me it is clear: all of us can make a difference to others by being social and suspending our own biases and agendas, connecting with others, giving them our time and allowing them to tell their stories – whether they are in need, just want to talk, or simply enjoy the social element of society. As leaders, by simply stepping out of our offices and spending time on the shop floor engaging with others, we reflect care and promote open discussion. This definitely contributes to developing trust and the desired culture and sub-cultures within the company.

Yes, there will certainly be times when consequence management is needed, but this can be done in a humanising way. At times, “Leadership is time and a simple cup of coffee” – being with others in the moment, in Kairos time. As we enter the new year, I once again look forward to new connections, listening to new stories, meeting people, and learning about the different cultures around the world, be it in my private or professional life. 

You will be surprised at how much you learn when giving of your time as a leader and listening to others tell their story. It isn’t rocket science; it’s simply being human in a social context. 

I like the quote from Nelson Mandela: “What counts in life is not the mere fact that we have lived. It is what difference we have made to the lives of others that will determine the significance of the life we lead.”